I am a pastor and I want my husband to stop his vices
Tags: Convince, Drinking, Husband, Smoking, Stop
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on Tuesday, October 27th, 2009 at 10:36 pm and is filed under Quit Smoking Q&A.
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October 28th, 2009 at 5:35 am
#1 you will be the last one he’d listen to, sorry men are men.
#2 be kind and designate a smoking area for him away from your
mainstream areas and entries.
#3 tell him you will quit hounding him if he would restrain from smoking and drinking in those taboo areas that could leave behind smoke odors…and ask him to conceal his alcohol by changing to a non aromic alcohol and to keep it hidden and out of sight so that you will not be thought of the one drinking and smoking by leaving alcohol about and cigarette buts about where your flock could stumble from the exposure of alcohol and cigarettes…ask him to help you in this way and you will not hound him any more. Listen this has to be his idea…and let God do the good deed…sometimes we have to let God in and do the work….you just keep reading your Bible and be a great example of love on this one…you are not condoning his behavior, but to co-exist with your spouse and not judge him will win him over in the long run way before hounding and pressing him to conform.
October 28th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Well if he’s married to a pastor and still hasn’t stopped, the whole “vices” argument probably won’t do it. I suggest getting him some of the scarier and less publicized literature on the effects of each. Logic is the only way to win a battle with a man. You can also make a plea to him that for the well-being of your family, he should quit – you want your kids (if applicable, otherwise, just say you) to have their dad for as long as possible and the quality of their time with him to be as good as possible. He’ll eventually realize it’s his duty to his family to at least quit the cigs.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
My question to you is,did you marry him knowing he smoked and drank?
Decisions such as these are the individuals as any health worker, counsellor etc., will tell you. The information is widely available about the health risks of these activities if extreme. Social drinking and smoking is still an acceptable social activity for many people and perhaps your husband is one of those people? However, again I state it is his choice not yours.
I recognise your occupational view with regards to these lifestyle choices of your husband however, these are your issues not his.
Whilst we see ourselves as part of a couple we come into marriage as individuals with individual lifestyle choices.
To change any behaviour requires an internal need on the part of the person to do so, it is part of the ‘cost/reward’ system we humans operate on.
October 28th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
If your husband smoked and drank before you married him then you have no right to change him. You made a commitment to him to love and honor him. Talk to him and tell him why you want him to quit but if he says no you have to respect that.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
oh im sure he smoked and drank when you married him. now you want him to change? you may be waiting awhile.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:03 am
Threaten divorce! Or at least explain to him that it has become a serious issue that you two need to adress. As a pastor, I’d imagine you’re quite familiar with the good book, you could probably toss some quotes about marraige and love into your arguement.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:19 am
Do him a favor, get divorced
October 29th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Why not try to help him curb them instead,Everyone has vices.Even the Pope has vices,These vices are what defines our character and who we are as a person.Trying to change someone radically will only result in disaster.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
You cant the more you bug him about it the more he will do it. I use to drink like a fish and everybody use to bug me about my drinking I never got in trouble with the law when I would drink but after everybody finally quit bugging me I quit. So lay off him about his drinking
October 29th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Why you figure that one out please email me and let me know since mine does the same thing. If he would just give up the smoking I would be happy.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
you can wish on someone to change-it has to be his decision, or it wont be for the best
October 29th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
I’m not a smoker or a drinker, so I can understand what your saying. However, was your husband a smoker and drinker when you met him? If so, I’m not sure if it’s fair to just expect him to quit these things. Although I do agree that it would be the healthy thing for him to do. I would also hope that his health is your main concern in regard to wanting him to quit rather than just because you’re a pastor.
If you want him to quit these things, you are going to have to sit down with him and let him know how you feel. I doubt that making demands is going to be the solution. Most people who have these vises don’t just quit because someone asks them to. They could be addicted to smoking and drinking in which case it will take some determination on his part to quit. In my experience I’ve learned that someone who smokes or drinks has got to want to quit. That will be the first step.
Good luck to you.
October 30th, 2009 at 1:34 am
He will only quit when HE is ready.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Tell him you will cut him off from excuse my language…..sex.
October 30th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Just because you turned your life around does not mean everyone around you has to change to just to suit your shallow needs or your new way of life. Remember your husband has fully accepted and supported your decision to become a pastor. Did he sit there and belittle your decision doing this or did his love and support for you help you in what you are doing ? As it was your decision to marry him and accept all the flaws that came along with him to become your husband as he accepted all yours as well. If needing to change any persons habits to selfishly suit your needs well I would look at yourself first. When you met him you fell in love with him just as he was. Now you want to change what you fell in love with because of your new image. Well it’s up to a person if they want to change or turn there life around like you did he sounds as if he loves you very much and you are his world. He should be your world and love of your life and respect him as he respects you. Without argument don’t push your selfishness on him and in time he might surprise you and without question and he’ll give up drinking and smoking in his own time. People who smoke or drink are not bad people count yourself lucky your husband isn’t a control freak , abusive or constantly cheats on you, I’d buy anyone a beer and offer them a cigarette who has supported me in anything I wanted to do.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
You have probably thought of giving him an ultimatum (“me or the vices”), in which case he would either stay with you because you indirectly forced him to, or you would leave him (which you probably don’t want to have to do). I would NOT do this.
I have a couple of questions for you:
Is HE even interested in quitting? I mean, has he tried to quit on his own or with help? Have you tried getting him professional help? Lots of people are able to quit smoking these days with patches, pills, gums, etc.; and for alcoholism, there are lots of support groups, 12-step programs, and rehabs (both inpatient and outpatient) that could be of help.
Does your husband realize all of the specific ways that smoking and drinking are damaging his body and your life together? if not, then you should tell him EVERY DAY, until he quits for good. Who cares if he gets tired of hearing it? Let him. Does he care that you’re tired of his bad habits?
Ultimately though, I think that you need to accept that if he doesn’t WANT to change, you aren’t going to be able to change him.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
want in one hand and wish in the other. as a pastor you should know you can’t change the situation. You are not God. Why don’t you try asking for his help?
October 30th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
You can’t, he’ll have to decide himself, you can only support him if he decides to help himself.
October 30th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
There are those who would think your religious associations are as dangerous and unhealthy as smoking and drinking.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
My wife started drinking more than me. I quit so she would. My own drinking didn’t bother me, but hers sure did. Go be a drunk for awhile. When he complains, tell him you’ll quit if he does. Can’t make it look like a strategy though. Hey….I wonder….
January 7th, 2011 at 4:59 am
my husband has the same vices. i asked him to quit the year we married. He did. 9 yrs later he is smoking again. i gave him an ultimatum. Leave or quit. i deserve better and so does our 1 yr old. that was just this morning. i will let you know how it turns out. good luck to you.